Pretending

On Saturday I did something I never thought I would do again, I pretended to be Catholic.


In order to do the reading at Ryan’s funeral mass I had to be Catholic, and in order not to raise suspicions I said all the prayers, sang the songs, and took communion.

It’s nothing new for me. I was raised catholic. I received the sacraments of baptism, reconciliation, communion, and confirmation and for a period I went to catholic school.
Sometime around the age of 10 I decided it was not for me and for years I pretended to still be Catholic.
When I finally told my family I was met with resistance, anger, and sadness. But it is a decision I have never regretted.
The weirdest thing was seeing all the other people I know to be pagan do the exact same thing. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

On Death

In the last few days I have had a lot of time to contemplate death, and boy am I still terrified.

It’s the kind of thing that I can be going about my day and then I will feel so overwhelmed by the idea of death that it stops me in my tracks.

Some days I feel at peace with the idea but most often I am paralyzed with fear.

Although I consider myself spiritual and have always believed in reincarnation there is a fear in my rational mind that says what if it just ends.

And then I try to contemplate nothingness and my brain cannot comprehend it.

Sometimes I get to thinking that at least through the children I may one day have I can live on through them, and then I wonder if my children will be just as scared as I am of death and should I even have them at all sparring them the dread.

I am amazed by people who have faith and can with all certainty tell me they believe in an afterlife, but I am not so sure.

And if this is all there is maybe I should do more with the time I have.

RIP Ryan "Bug"

September 25, 2010 - May 14, 2010

In September a close friend of mine gave birth to sweet Ryan. Sadly Ryan was born with congenital myotonic muscular dystrophy and PVL and on Friday after eight months of suffering he passed away. I was blessed enough to have met Ryan when he was just a day old in the NICU and last week i was able to say goodbye knowing that he was not long for this world.

On Saturday, those of us that loved him most will celebrate his short life as we lay him to rest. My thoughts are with his parents who are two of the strongest people i know. Their strength is awe inspiring. I wish them peace in knowing that Ryan is now free from pain.

We miss you already! 

I've Been Busy

Sorry for the hiatus. I’ve been busy.

I worked a highland games in North Carolina a few weeks back and had a great time but was totally exhausted when I got back. I’m not sure how I ever had the energy to work the renaissance festival, go to school, and work 3 other jobs.

We did our engagement shoot a few weeks ago and I will post pictures at Domestic Empress Weddings soon.

The band played their final show on Friday at Bangkok blues and it was awesome!

They tried an encore on Saturday in the backyard and the police came twice and shut us down the second time. When I looked it up today the law says that a band cannot cause noise during the hours of 11pm – 7am (exactly what I explained to the second officer who came, he told me that that was not true, what a jerk)

My annual meeting at work is coming up and I have been insanely busy. I was so frustrated with the hotel we are working with that a few weeks ago I cried at work. For two weeks they sent me rooming lists with problems. I have over 200 sleeping rooms that I am in charge of and every time I sent them changes they either did not make them or made them incorrectly and then would resend me the list like nothing was wrong.

So I think posts will be sparse for a few weeks. But I’m still around, I swear.